Whistlepig Studios

Hello! Whether you are new here or not, today I’m getting personal. I have A Big Sad. I call them my “dark moods”. Have you ever seen ‘All the Bright Places‘? Yeah. That’s what it’s like. I’m not physically violent, at least not any more. I was as a child. (Just around people I had a crush on, for some reason.) Today I’m going to talk about my dark mood in case someone can relate.
(P.S. This is not going to be my best blog; I’m an emotional wreck right now. Sorry.)

I kinda blank out. It’s like a switch flips in me, and I just suddenly don’t care about anything. I’m half in right now, struggling to keep the reins. When I’m in this state, I often want it to stop. I feel myself being too loose and open. I don’t have limits so much. I’m irritable and cranky, and no fun AT ALL to be around. Just this morning I was so happy. What went wrong?

My mom snapped at me for not doing the dishes. I know she didn’t mean to, and it was definately my fault. They were overdue and I hadn’t batted an eye. I started crying a little, and she didn’t notice. I HATE it when I disappoint people. I try so hard to get things right and when I mess up, it feels bad. Really, really bad. But I can’t just roll my eyes and ignore it like most teenagers do. I cry because I’m upset that I let it happen. I’m mad at myself for failing. Again. I know this isn’t healthy, and no one can be perfect. But it flips my switch. It hurts to be in a dark mood. It’s like laying down on a bed of nails, or cutting a finger off. It makes my thoughts intensify, but makes me numb to them. I find myself having to drown out my own mind, because it doesn’t stop.

Let’s put it like this: it feels like walking into a dark room with colorful string lights. I close the door behind me, locking up. In the dark room the lights are bright, drawing my attention automatically. But fists are pounding on the door. The sound is muffled, but still loud.

The dark room is (obviously) a dark mood. The colorful lights are whatever I’m doing to distract myself. The fists at the door are the thoughts in my mind. When I’m in the dark room, everything is slightly fuzzy. I turn on a new song in the middle of the one I’m listening to. I read a paragraph before giving up. I watch a few minutes of a show then switch it to a random movie. Then switch it to something else. Then something else. Now I’ve downed a whole bottle of water. I try to dance around my room, ultimately just bursting out in tears on the floor with no motivation. I scream the lyrics to my favorite songs, even though I sing like a walrus, crying and gasping for air. I try to write but just end up sitting there staring at nothing. I try to draw but keep breaking pencil lead. I go on We♡It for a minute before trying a movie again. I find food. I change clothes. I take a steaming hot shower.
And I end up in front of my window. I always seem to end up there. And I’m praying, praying that God will make it stop, and I see a shooting star. Or bats. Or hear birds chirping. Or play with my pets. I feel a little better, because I’ve tired myself out.

That’s what a full-on dark mood looks like for me. If I’m lucky enough to be alone.

When I’m with people, I’m irritable. Extremely so. I’m a drag. I’ve never consumed (nor plan on consuming) alchohol, but I imagine that’s how I act. Loopy, weepy, angry, stumbly, unpredictable. The opposite of how I WANT to act. But it’s like someone else has taken the wheel. I don’t get much say in what I do, unless I manage to keep some control. Right now I’ve caught control before I spiraled. I can’t say how long this will last; sometimes the switch flips for no reason. Let’s revisit the room:

My thoughts are pounding at the door. You should have done better. She even reminded you. You were too busy playing entrepreneur. Ha! Like that’s ever going to work out for you.
Maybe you should do something. Scratch your arm until it bleeds. Make yourself sick on chocolate. Lock yourself up in your room, who cares if they think you’re aloof? Cry until your eyes hurt. Put your hair in a messy bun; maybe it’ll make you feel more “normal”. Text your friend something you’ll regret… I know! Sing a song and send her the video! You won’t want to die when you wake up. Let’s do something embarrassing, like shout your favorite song out the open window! No, don’t do that. Your voice is awful. So are your dance moves, by the way. You just generally suck. At everything. Maybe you can get a job at Petsmart one day; after all, you spend all your time researching animals, half of which you’ll never even see in person. You’re such a nerd. Who can quote every line in “My Babysitter’s a Vampire”? Oh, right. You can. Dork.

The only way I can shut the thoughts off is to shut my brain off. For all you tech-savvy people out there, it’s like a virus. My thoughts attack me and the only way to get out is to 1) Install protection software (happy music, watching a movie, etc.). 2) Disconnect from the internet (go to my room, close the blinds, disconnect from thought and connect to distraction). 3) Reboot (Take a quick break from distraction and see if I plunge into the dark side again).

I am a very strange and hard-to-swallow person. I have unpredictable and uncontrollable mood swings. Often.
Today… I’m not sure what happened. I was really mad at myself that I’d forgotten -again- to do the dishes. I know it really upsets my mom. But this time, there was more than just self anger. I’m not sure what it was. But I felt it coming, so I went upstairs and put on my headphones. I shut off my brain for a while. That’s what the dark mood comes from. I don’t think, so I don’t feel. It’s ugly. I hate it. But sometimes I don’t know how else to deal with things.

I don’t feel like I was disciplined very much as a child; mostly due to the fact that I was the same way I am today. Do the best you can, aim to please. Be the good girl. Do it as if you were doing it for Jesus. Be the best you can possibly be. I don’t think I was really taught to be this way, I feel like I just picked it up on my own. I didn’t like punishment, so I tried to avoid needing it. Now, as I’m older, I have more responsibilities. Which means even more things I have to focus on. It’s becoming hard to monitor my sleep schedule, my routine, my fifty kajillion hobbies, my chores, my future plans, my “job” (I have an Etsy store), my “kids” (I have 13 pets, whom I adore), my school, my friends, my mental health, my water intake… and the list goes on, but you have no interest in that. Point is, it’s getting hard to remember everything I’m supposed to do. Which means I mess up. And I’m not immune to punishment. I try to write it all down but usually lose it before it’s on paper.
I know I owe myself a little grace, but it is so hard for me. My brain automatically goes into I don’t need grace. I just need to be better. I must not be trying hard enough. Maybe if I change something this will be easier. Newsflash: it never is. It stays a living nightmare. I’m HOMESCHOOLED for Peter sake. My life is so calm compared to that of a public or private schooler. But yet at times I still can’t handle it? It makes me feel so pathetic. I once had a teacher who told me (something to the effect of), “You feel everything so much deeper than normal people. Normal kids don’t take things this hard.” And to this day, I am so glad she said that. I felt seen.

I’m afraid for the future. If I cry when my mom is frustrated because I didn’t do the dishes, how am I supposed to survive LIFE? What will happen when my boss yells at me? What will happen when my boyfriend breaks up with me? What will happen when I move out? What will happen if I get married? What will happen if I have kids? What will happen

If I lose control?

I know God has my back but sometimes my thoughts are so loud and my tears are so many that I can’t pray. I can’t form a coherent sentence with my mouth or my mind. I try to just say “Jesus” but then I cry more and I get choked up and I can’t even say that. Sometimes I find myself yelling “SATAN, YOU CAN’T HAVE ME!!!“, right before I start crying so hard that I actually fall asleep from exhaustion. And I know also that you don’t have to speak to get God’s attention. But if I want to pray, I have to say something. I know He’s there, but I can’t feel Him unless I’m talking to Him or Him to me. But my thoughts seem to drown out His voice. I know that’s impossible, but it feels that way. I usually wake up with a bad headache, or sometimes even a migraine. I’m always dehydrated but it is so much worse after a dark mood. It’s always worse.

Anyway, I hope this helped you in some way or at least didn’t depress you. Like I said, I’m currently trying to keep the mood at bay so this article might not be very good. I have a tendency to regurgitate what I say a lot. ♡

~Shortie ♡