Hey y’all! Sorry to post so many downer entries lately. But I’m about to do it again.
I long to be a part of something more. I want to DO SOMETHING. I was very involved at my church for a good two weeks recently. I was there almost (if not) every day, whether it was painting signs, helping kids dye t-shirts, being a part of youth leadership meetings, or prepping myself to give the message. I was around my favorite people, the church, all the time. (They’re crazy and weird and make lots of stupid jokes, but I love them.) And even though I was tired and stressed, I really enjoyed it. It was the first time in a looong time that I had really been a part of something. I grew closer to people there and had some fun.
But now it’s all over and I don’t know what to do. I basically just lay in bed all day now. One best friend is in college, one is busy with school, and one is an extrovert who has a life filled with activity. And I’m super happy for these people! They have purpose! That’s great! I just wish I could say the same. No- I wish I had motivation. I have access to learning at all times. I have a little handheld computer that lets me talk to people 24/7. So why do I still feel so left out?
Because I’m not part of a group. And that’s what I really want. I didn’t realize it until now. My best friend/boyfriend is always out when I talk to him. Usually at the church or with friends or, most commonly, both. I don’t really know his friends personally, but I’ve heard enough about them to know what they’re like. Definitely not the group I need. I can’t go to college and my school hasn’t started yet. The leadership team is growing and, with every new member, I feel less and less like I belong there. I was really liking our little group with Drummer Boy, Duckie, Ziggs, our youth pastor, and myself. It was a good opportunity for me to push myself outside of my comfort zone, but not so uncomfortable that it left me sick. After just a few meetings, I found that Wednesdays became one of my favorite parts of the week. I was even bantering a little with the other members. It was so nice.
But now that’s fading. To be completely transparent, I’m worried for my mental state. I get very bottled up in times of stress, which is not good. But I absolutely crack and crumble when I’m left alone for too long. Which is much, much worse.
I keep myself busy to distract from my PTSD and other detrimental mental issues. Now I feel like I have nothing. Nothing to do. I thought re-arranging my room would help. It made things worse. It just reminded me that I wasn’t doing anything meaningful. I put on an act like everything is cool.
Everything is not cool.
I’m sad again. I’m a little numb. I sometimes seem clingy around certain people because they make me feel alive- a feeling that has been extremely lacking inside me lately. I’m sure that God is going to use this, and I’m sure it’s just a season. But it really sucks. I cry just about every day. I want to be around my people as much as I can. But mostly, I just want to be…
a part of something again.
Sorry if this is a drag or if I seem dramatic. My feelings are often too big for my brain to handle, and so I must write or continue to feel unheard and unseen. Thanks for reading, I hope that this could help you in some way. Try to have a good day! God is watching over you.
♡, Shortie
