Hello! Today I thought I’d share my testimony. I hate my story. I hate my past. But I know that God will use it however He designed. Stories are meant to be told. ♡
It is written from Jesus’s point of view. My youth pastor asked me to write this for his Good Friday service, which unfortunately has been temporarily postponed. I was supposed to be up on stage in front of a camera, but in my room and in my pj’s will have to do for now. 🙂 I do ask that you please keep any negativity to yourself. This blog is one for positivity and second chances. Judge me if you want, but please don’t comment. You never know who will read them and what they’re going through.
“Dear Shortie,
I had you in mind when I died on the cross for you.
I’m with you through the intense struggle that you are facing right now. I have my hand on your shoulder as you fight to do what I ask. Two words. Two words that you hate to the depth of your soul, and you wish you could bury. But I will give you the strength to say what you don’t want to. Don’t do it for the audience, but do it for me. Go on, say it. Trust me. You can do it.
Pornography and masturbation.
Two words that make you cry. Two words that have almost killed you several times. It wasn’t like you to fall into these things, but you did. And now you live with the raging fire of self-hatred and it’s hard for you to get out of bed every day. I’ve forgiven you, but you still haven’t forgiven yourself. You live with guilt so heavy that sometimes you collapse. You’ve thrown yourself at my feet before, asking for death. But I refused, because I have plans for you. You are stronger than you believe. Stop fighting the battle. ‘Cause I’ve already won. Give in to me and you will see that you aren’t as hopeless and useless as you believe. You have value, even if you can’t see it through the shattered remnants of your mistakes. You want to die at the thought of your friends finding out. You tell them that you’re broken but you don’t tell them why. Your anxiety has skyrocketed, because now it’s out in the open. That past that you wish you could keep in the shadows, is in the light now. You’re scared that you will walk out of this building with fewer friends than you had coming in, but you can’t lose me. I’m the only friend you need. And I am so, so proud of you. You are facing your greatest fear, rejection. And you’re doing it for me. You have come so far in the last few years. You’re starting to realize that you aren’t alone. You’re seeing my hand in the mundane world. And because you recognize me, I love to bless you. Roller skating with your friends when you started to feel numb. Adopting a blind hamster when you were starting to lose sight of me. A book that made you feel loved again. A shooting star when you were crying out your window. Wishflowers on your walk when you were feeling trapped inside your head. And these are just a few of the small miracles you have seen. There were big ones too. Finding a best friend when you started to think you were incapable of human interaction. When you were feeling exhausted from travel, I showed you a bookstore so big that you cried. I put a small group full of amazing women in your life when you were about to fall apart. And, one of your most treasured memories was me as well. On the last day of his life, Peter winked at you. That wink said everything he couldn’t. He was supposed to be under anesthesia, but I woke him up in his last breathing moment so that he could show you how much he loved you. He died to save your life. Just like my son. You often question me why. Why it was him and not you. And the answer is, because I love you. Because you are a work in progress. You are not healed from your ptsd. You haven’t recovered from your murderous guilt. You have not regained your balance after your past fall. But you would rather die than sink back into your old ways. And that means, you are a new Shortie. Peter’s purpose for life was fulfilled. You have much still to do. I am making you into a new woman. One that is stronger than her fears. One that isn’t afraid to follow me, even if it means losing friends. A woman that cares for others more than for herself. One that can forgive the shortcomings of her past self. One that is healing. One that is growing. One that is starting to trust again. Starting to love again. Starting to live again.
And she’s living for me.
I am shaping you into what you’d never thought you could be. Healed. Whole. Beautiful. Because I made you, and I say that you are good.
Keep trying. Keep living. Keep laughing. Keep smiling. Keep loving. Keep painting. Keep caring. Keep writing. Keep apologizing. Keep supporting. Keep doing what I made you to do. It’s who you are. Stop torturing yourself because you think you deserve it! Let it go! I’ve forgiven you! It’s time to start living again. I will never leave you; in the blackest night you will still see my stars. Remember your friends. Remember Peter. Remember your family. Remember me. You have so much to live for that you haven’t even seen yet.
I’m not done with you.”
Thanks for reading! I hope this can in some way help you or show you that you are worth it. For a long time I just wanted to die. There are times that I would have committed suicide if given the opportunity. But now I’m living again. I am a breathing testament that it is possible to recover. Even if you feel hopeless. Even if you feel worthless. Even if you feel incapable of being loved. God has shattered the darkness for you and for me. One day, I might see how God has used me. Maybe I’ll live life never seeing my impact. But I know I’m trying. And that’s enough. ♡
~Shortie ♡
