I just realized one of the few gifts I have. And despite my migraine, I wanted to write about it.
I don’t have a name for this gift, and this is not me trying to boast. I simply wanted to share something that I’ve learned.
One of my favorite things in the world ends most of my relationships. Yep, you read that right.
You see, I like to find people’s nitty gritty. I like to see the rough edges and flaws. (I know that sounds mean, but I don’t do it to point them out or make fun.) I love it when people tell me their wounds. Scars. Sins. Their bad choices. Bad relationships. I like to see all of their sides; not just the sunshine and rainbows that they show to the world. I crave to see their monsters. Their storms.
Unsurprisingly, this drives many people away. It’s hard for me. When I commit to you as a friend, I rarely do so halfheartedly. I want to share secrets and find a true connection to you. I don’t like small-talk and such. It leaves me uncomfortable and bored. So I tend to dive into my problems. In the first few months of being my friend, you’ll be introduced to my anxiety. Depression. OCD. Mundane problems I face throughout the day. Not everything, but lots. Because I am longing to really connect with you.
I don’t say this to sound depressing, to make you feel sorry for me, or to be dramatic. I just value being honest. Especially when someone asks “are you okay?”.
Anyway, back to my point. This quality, or “quirk”, has messed up many relationships for me. I want to know the torments of your soul. And I am just now realizing why.
I was praying about it when the answer came to me.
I always longed for a comforting hand. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to be there for me. And I didn’t really have it. It was foolish of me, of course, to assume that eventually I would meet that one person who knew my troubles. Who could undress my thoughts simply by noticing the look in my eyes. Who knew me so well that they could walk up and hug me without being asked. But that’s not how life works. Only God does that. It took me a long time to realize this truth. What I was waiting for.. it was not coming. So I felt alone. Like no one cared about me, simply because they could not read my mind and know exactly what to do. I didn’t see how unrealistic my daydreams were. I spent so many bad days by myself because I pushed away the people that I needed most.
I didn’t have that comforting hand that I wanted. The shoulder to cry on. All I had was God. (And my hamster, Peter.) God was always there for me, to guide and protect me. I slept many nights cradled in His arms when I was restless, staying half awake and praying in front of the stars. I’m sure He frequently rolled His eyes at my idiocy, but He was there for me nonetheless.
I want to be there for other people. It is my gift.
I have known cold days and lonely nights. I have seen addictions and pain, scars, loss, unbelief, bullying, mental breakdowns, even heartbreak. And that is not to say that what I have dealt with is superior, or that your problems are lesser than mine. I have had experiences that you might not have, and the same goes the other way around. But I know what it is like to feel so many bad things. And no one deserves to go through that alone.
I want to know your fears. Mistakes. Scars. All the times you regretted what you said. What you did. What you thought. I want to see all the dark things about you. And then I want to show you the light. My favorite thing in the world is when someone opens up to me and I get to say “I love you anyway“. It can be: “I have anxiety.” or “I have cut myself.” It can be “I cheated on my girlfriend” or “I was abused”. Anything. I will take it all in and smile. I love knowing that I can be trusted. And then I will respond with
“I love you anyway“.
Because I don’t want you to feel alone, like I did.
It is my gift. To see all the blackest things about people, but not lose sight of the light in their hearts. That’s why superficial or withholding relationships never last with me. I can’t stand them. I want brutal honesty. I mean, obviously, if I have broccoli in my teeth, don’t laugh and point. Tell me kindly. I would do the same for you. But don’t be afraid of judgement around me. I am human, and I do make mistakes. (Frequently.) But I will love you to the best of my ability. There are, of course, some things that inexcusably must be addressed. If you are killing people, we need to chat about that. But I’m still gonna love you, because that’s what God has called me to do.
So I’m sorry if sometimes I go too deep too fast. I’m sorry that I want to know everything about you. It’s just who I am. I want you to feel like you don’t have to hide around me. Everyone has a past that cannot be changed. I want you to feel seen, understood, accepted, and loved. No matter where you come from, what gender you are or are attracted to, or what color your skin is. No matter how much or little you’ve been through, how old you are, introverted or extroverted… it doesn’t matter. Be honest. Be real. Be seen. God loves you no matter what, and He will send people to love you. Be patient. Be faithful. It will be okay. Love wins in the end.
It’s currently after 1 am as I’m writing this. I just couldn’t help myself. I was inspiration-struck. I hope this is not offensive or anything, and please don’t misunderstand; I am not God. I do not pretend to be. I am just realizing that I’m good at understanding. I hope this was useful to somebody out there, and that y’all are having a great day! Or night! Or whatever time it is! Thanks for reading!
♡, Shortie
