Hello, and welcome back! Today we discuss the feeling of being numb. Please keep in mind that I am not a medical professional; I’m just a complex girl trying to help others find the light.
This is perhaps the most precarious of my three topics.
To me there are two numbs.
Empty numb
To feel empty numb is the absence of emotion. It is especially hard to handle because when I get this way, I lose sight of consequences. I’d give almost anything to feel again. In my experience, to feel is to be human. So if I’m not feeling, what am I? I feel alone and desolate. Music is one way that God speaks to me; so if I’m praying and crying and needing answers, but nothing comes, I get desperate. Once, I scratched my arm until it almost bled. I needed to feel something. Even if the feeling was bad. Being numb in this way is extremely dangerous. I take unmeasured risks, say things I normally wouldn’t, and lose control.
How to spot this (at least in me) is to watch my behavior. When I’m alone, I’m expressionless. I’ll listen to music, dance, sing, write, read, draw. Anything to make me feel. If it doesn’t work, I get frustrated. I’ll play with my sugar gliders or cats; their nails and teeth pierce my skin. Blood makes feeling easier. When I’m in public, I’m more likely to say openly negative things. I’m more likely to make unnecessary purchases. (I get anxious when spending money, so that’s sometimes a fast-track to stop the numbness.) I’m more likely to argue or protest things. If we go to a pet store, I’m (even more than normal) unwilling to leave. It’s a very bad state for me.
5sos wrote a song called “Good Girls” and the famous line is “Good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught”. Well, that’s not me. I’ve always cared too much. (And Michael, yes. I do live in the library, and I AM reading books.) I’m practically allergic to disobeying my parents. I’ve made mistakes, sure, but I’ve never intentionally hurt them. When I get in this numb state of mind, I’m very irritable. Which sometimes causes them to retaliate. It’s not their fault, that’s a parent’s job. But my brain will go to any length to start feeling again; sometimes I find myself accidentally provoking them. It’s always simple things, like talking back or not doing the dishes. This mindset is pretty much the opposite of everything I stand for.
Overwhelmed numb
This numbness comes directly after crying my eyes out. That feeling of I can’t take any more, so I’m shutting off my emotions. This usually presents itself in my life right after something extremely disturbing or upsetting. Or occasionally after uncaring, blissful happiness.
There’s this big THING that happens, and I’m shell-shocked. So I shut down. Most of the time it looks like this:
Praying for hours about sharing my testimony (which is hopefully the next post) and singing worship songs. Watching the stars or the bats feeding. Throwing my hands into the air and giving in to God. Then, He sends a miracle. That one song lyric that really struck a chord, a shooting star, or a blast of night air when it was hot in my room. And it pushes me over the edge. I start crying (out of misery or jubilation, depending on the circumstance) and and praying even harder. Sometimes, like the other day, I’ll be wrapped up in music and I find myself shouting out the window, “YOU CAN’T HAVE ME, SATAN! I BELONG TO GOD!” And then I look at the time and am “shocked” (not really) to see that it’s 5:23 AM. So I start winding down the music and saying my closing prayers. Then I get lightheaded. I try to stand up, and my legs are wobbly. I finish getting ready, and then go to bed. By then I feel like I’ve cried out a year’s supply of tears. Sometimes I fall asleep with my pillow wet. I watch either 4 minutes or 4 episodes of a show, or sometimes a movie. And then I wake up.
I think my overwhelmed numbness is really just feeling drained. Like my emotions haven’t recharged enough to continue. Sometimes it lasts hours, sometimes it lasts days. Like Ron said in Harry Potter, “One person couldn’t feel all that! They’d explode!” Well, I feel like I’ve exploded. I have to wait for the dust to settle before I can start picking up my bones and living again.
Both numbnesses are hard to live with, and both can drive a person to the cliffs of insanity. (Yes, that’s a Princess Bride reference.) But know that it’s just a season. You’ll get through it. (Easier said than done.) God has a plan for your life, and He won’t open a door that isn’t meant for you. Sometimes you have to let life be quiet for a while, so you can rest your mind and/or body. Don’t go to extreme measures to feel again. It doesn’t end well. Live for Him, and He will direct your path.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed or learned from this trilogy. If it isn’t applicable for you, maybe keep an eye out. See who else you might be able to help.
~ Shortie ♡
