Hello, and welcome back! If you’re new here, this is where I write about my feelings and experiences. Today I want to broach the subject of mental health. I have three subjects to cover, and I’ll do it in three articles: depression, anxiety, and feeling numb. In today’s world, it has never been easier to communicate- even to people on the other side of the world! But for some reason, expressing our feelings is still very difficult for most. So today, I’m going to talk about a few things that hold me back and the importance of getting help.
#1. Depression.
Depression has been my reliable companion in my walk through life- it stays with me with the predictability of Old Faithful. A very recent discovery of mine was that my anxiety actually stems from my depression. I had always thought it was the other way around. Depression and anxiety are sisters. But for right now, let me start with depression.
Most people have the wrong idea about depression.
Depression isn’t just BEING SAD.
Everyone with depression has different combinations of symptoms, and some are more violent and aggressive. (The symptoms, not the people. Well… usually.) For example, my depression commonly looks like:
Feeling- lonely. Empty. Useless. Ashamed. Tired. Worn-out. A disappointment. Unmotivated. Overwhelmed. A failure. Often sad, but sometimes numb. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all.
Signs- low activity. Crying-swollen eyes. Little to no interest in things I enjoy. Uninterested in conversations. Extra time spent stargazing. Wanting to be alone. Small to no appetite. I sometimes wear my hair brushed over my face. Dark clothes (or, sometimes, evident uncaringness when choosing outfits). Spending time with pets/rejecting all company. Sometimes I oversleep, or sometimes I barely sleep at all. I take photography walks as an excuse to be alone.
Either I want to talk about it, or I just need space. It often depends on 1) how much sleep I’ve had, 2) if there’s a reason I’m upset, 3) if my friends are available, 4) if my counselor is available, 5) how busy my schedule is, 6) how much/what I’ve eaten, and 7) HOW MUCH I’VE BEEN PRAYING.
Prayer is my weapon against depression, but sometimes it’s not enough. It’s great to pray when you feel alone, but if you aren’t paying attention to His responses and acknowledging His signs, it will often make you feel worse. I feel ignored and unimportant, when really, I’m just not seeing his miracles. Because I’m focused on being upset. Sometimes it can’t be helped- distraction is a very serious and undermining evil in most relationships, between humans as well as between followers and God. But I think distraction is sometimes necessary- without distractions, we would never learn the IMPORTANCE of FOCUS. The skill of it would be lost, and life would be much easier. But life isn’t meant to be easy. Life tests us and puts us through battles because that’s how God designed it. We are each a work in progress. If the world was perfect, what would we learn? We must discover “focus” and how to use it. If we didn’t have distractions, we wouldn’t learn the weight of prioritizing important things. We must learn to manage time daily, and choose where to put it. God is always the best option. If you focus on Him, this world will begin to fade away and challenges will be more easily approached and overcome. But if you focus on the problem, you don’t see the big picture. It often leads to black-and-white thinking and extreme drama. Just imagine it like cliche teenage girls. They obsess over new haircuts and boys and clothes. But if they looked at the big picture, they might realize that studying is a better use of time. My point is, there’s always new drama, just like there’s always new problems. We often wake up to a different set of issues each morning. But if we focus on the big picture instead, like spreading God’s love, we jump the hurdles as they come. We notice that they are speed-bumps, not mountains. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just what happened on Friday.
It’s very similar with depression. Sometimes things feel just too big to take in. It feels like we couldn’t survive the news that might come tomorrow. The test on Monday. The interview after school. Letters in the mail. Sometimes we get caught up in the small things, and because of the depression, it makes them seem ever larger and more daunting. I’m not saying that it’s unreasonable to be overwhelmed. Sometimes, things just get to us. The news that might come tomorrow. The test on Monday. The interview after school. Letters coming in the mail. And there are times when it is expected, too. When a loved-one dies. When you lose your job. When you move to a strange place. When you have a mental overload, which is common for me, even a tiny pebble can seem like Sisyphus’s boulder. Things are blown out of proportion, and you lose sight. But if you focus on God, you might see that you lost that job so that you were available for a better one. You moved to a welcoming town. That loved one isn’t suffering anymore.
If you focus on the problem, you lose sight of proportion.
With depression, it’s easy to focus on the problem. It’s right there, in your face, taunting you. If you can get that under control and shift your focus to higher things, you will accomplish a lot more. Things started looking up for me when I met my now-best friends. They encourage me and help me see the bigger picture. And that brings up another thing.
Who is influencing you? Is their influence good or bad?
Your peers? Friends? Parental figures? Other adults? Celebrities? Yes. Whether we know it or not, admit it or not, we are influenced by everyone we meet or devote time to. For example: my parents influence me by teaching me to be a good person and to share the love of God. Alec Benjamin influences me when I listen to his music and sing along. My youth pastor influences me when he gives wonderful Tuesday night sermons about REAL problems that Christians need to address. My friends influence me by making me laugh and showing me that better times are ahead.
Surround yourself with people who care about you and your wellbeing. This is important because they not only lift you up, but catch you before you fall down. (Or pick you up if they can’t catch you.) My friends are carefully chosen, because I know that sometimes I fall easily. I need someone there, holding a box of band-aids with a smile on their face and comforting words ready on their lips. But the best feeling in the world is getting to do the same for them. That’s something that I love about my friends; we all take turns being nurse and patient. We know that we have each others’ backs and I can sleep easy at night knowing that I’ll be okay when I wake up. And I am so, so proud that I get to be friends with three of the most amazing girls to ever walk the earth.
Helping others helps you.
Make sure that you have your peeps’ backs as well. Don’t let them deal with life alone. It makes me feel so good when my friends call me for help, because I know that they trust me with their problems. I hate to hear that they are struggling, but it is my greatest joy to help whenever and wherever I can. Be it helping them babysit or just be a listening ear, I’m happy to do it.
Service is another cure for depression. Helping others helps you. Be kind. Be generous. Throw smiles like confetti. Give compliments. When you show love to others, you are making the whole world a better place. It is just as important, if not more than, as recycling. If we don’t recycle, we aren’t taking care of our planet. If we don’t lift each other up, we aren’t taking care of our people. Now, it is not always easy. But try to be positive even when it’s hard. Kindness doesn’t cost anything.
You don’t have to be an extrovert to be positive.
I know many people who are amazing in the background, but freeze in the spotlight. You don’t have to be the life of the party. And really, in my opinion, the “little” people make the biggest difference. The people who are humble. Kind. Generous. The good-hearted people. If you’re the star of the show, that’s great. But you don’t have to be.
There’s one person whom I would like to mention here, because she’s made a major impact on my life. One of my best friends, Sam. You CAN’T be sad around Sam. You just can’t. She is the happiest person I’ve ever met, and I strive every day to be more like her. She is bubbly if she’s had caffeine, and bouncy if she’s had sugar. With most people, I would find that very, very annoying. But she’s actually a great joy to be around. I literally CANNOT imagine her being angry. At anyone. She’s human, I know, and I’m sure she has her moments. But I can’t imagine it! She’s easily the sweetest person I know, and I really can’t imagine my life without her. She makes me laugh even if I want to cry. (In fact, sometimes she makes me cry from laughing so hard.) She’s the type of person that you can be absolutely stupid with, and you’ll come out with no regrets. You can dance horribly to mediocre music without being judged- because she’ll be dancing with you! She isn’t particularly rebellious, and she’s in NO WAY a troublemaker. So I can come out of my shell fearlessly, because I know that we both just want to have fun together. I don’t have to be guarded around her. It’s the best feeling in the world. I know one thing for sure: I would be a very different person without her. She has inspired me. She’s the one that gave me the will to change. For so long, I was HAPPY being MISERABLE. Because I was comfortable there. It was normal. I knew what to expect out of every day. I didn’t want to get better. My depression was safe. Sam grabbed my hand and yanked me into the sunlight. That girl could almost give you a sunburn from her beaming smile.
BUT
She is not an extrovert. She’s happy to be around one or two people. She isn’t as comfortable in a group. See what I mean? You don’t have to be on stage to make a difference. You can make a difference in people’s lives just by being you. Be the best version of yourself. That’s enough. If people leave you, then it’s their loss. If you are being happy, positive, and your absolutely beautiful self, and they stop liking you? (I say this with 95% certainty.) They are either judgmental or LAZY. Most often, lazy! I know because I was in that position! I wanted to have little sad pity-parties with “friends”. I liked negativity. Because it’s EASY! Being positive is super hard work. If you miss the bus, it’s so easy to sit and think, Great. Now I have to walk all the way to work in the rain. It’s not natural for most of us to say, Yay! Now I can get some exercise in! There’s a bright side to everything. You might be thinking, “There isn’t a bright side to school shootings! What about that?” But if you really think about it, there is. It draws the community together. You never see something like that coming- but when it does, friends and families draw close. There are prayers for the people affected and praises for the ones who made it out.
There is always a bright side. Look for it.
Change is a terrifying and difficult road. Breaking habits and changing mindsets is a very hard thing to stick to. But it is WORTH it. Or, so I’ve heard. I’m still working on training my brain. But I am SO excited to be happier. I hope this has helped you, or maybe just showed you what depression is really like. If you know someone who struggles with depression, be aware of the signs. Care for them. Don’t give up on them, even if they tell you to. Sometimes the lack of self-worth ruins friendships. Encourage them. If you struggle with depression, I highly recommend getting help. I was very skeptical before I met my counselor, and now I don’t want to miss a single appointment. Sometimes just having someone to listen is enough to help you grasp a happier life. There are many hotlines that you can call for help if you feel suicidal. You are NOT alone. (The only thing that kept me alive for a while was my hamster and my family. I knew they would be devastated if they had to find me bloody and lifeless. It would kill them. And as much as I was dying inside, I couldn’t do that to them. And who knows what would have happened to Peter if I died. He probably would have been handed off to some other family. I could NOT handle that thought either.) Suicide is a very serious thing, and needs to be more openly discussed. It is not okay, and it is not natural. It is an act of sheer desperation– and that tells me that we as humans are not doing our job to support each other.
Here’s a quick conclusion: Pray. Focus on the big picture. Check who’s influencing you, and make sure you surround yourself with good people. If you are a Christian, I suggest surrounding yourself with other believers. Sometimes we need reminding that there is good in life, but also, who the good comes from. Support your people. Make good memories to return to on bad days. Make an effort to help others regularly. You don’t have to be an extrovert to be positive. Share your happiness with others, even if you’re just hanging out in the background. Look for the bright side in life. Change is hard, but brings great reward.
Okay, I think I’m done. 🙂 I hope you enjoyed reading and gained some insight. I am writing from experience here, so everything is a little tainted from my own view. Not all depression looks the same. Not everyone has it, or has it on the same level. It can be hard to spot, even in yourself. Some feelings pose as depression but really aren’t. Just be careful, and stay positive. Jesus loves you and wants to see you be happy. He does not put us down here to torture us, but to teach us what happiness is and the value of having it.
~Shortie ♡
