Hey guys! It has come to my attention that while I am in EO mode (Emotional overload), I have several specific things that really really get under my skin. I am not diagnosed with ADHD but I do feel like I have a lot of traits/symptoms that align with that diagnosis, and it does run in my family. So for ease of writing, I am going to use the term. Thanks 🙂 But I have a lot of “triggers” with BPD, OCD, and anxiety especially. And sometimes those things poke at my depression as well.
These are some of my “triggers” and how I deal with them. They will be separated into two categories, “Common”, which is day-to-day frequent run ins, and “EO Mode”, which consists of things that only bother me/affect me strongly when I am emotionally overwhelmed. :p
And because I am in EO mode while writing this, you can rest assured that this will be short and sour. A complete list might be added later but this is just a short infomercial about my personal life.
Common
People talking during a church service, speech, etc. If they are talking to me very very quietly, it is not so bad. But when they are being disruptively loud or uncaring it really bothers me. (Kids like to talk while I am on stage, and I know how it feels. So if I hear someone talking while the attention is supposed to be on someone else, that spikes me. And partly due to BPD, when I get angry, it happens quick and H.O.T. Luckily, I have practice controlling it. But it still really gets under my skin.
People who don’t wash their dogs. This makes me unrealistically upset. I WANT TO PET YOUR DOG. But if your dog is pretty DIRTY, or GREASY, or really SMELLY, there is a forcefield separating us. My OCD is really bad about textures and clean hands. If I pet a greasy dog, it can literally ruin my entire day. I will be washing off the invisible feeling for several hours. It just really bothers me. And that really makes me upset because I WANT TO PET YOUR DOG. :'(
All “jokes” aside, if you touch me with anything sticky, flaky, crummy, or pretty much anything that isn’t water I will be immediately repulsed. A lot of people joke that OCD means a clean house. Not for me. For me, it means a clean body.
Having to change plans. UHG it gives me sooo much anxiety. Especially cancelling. 99% of the time, I will go anyway, even if I’m feeling like a raccoon who just crawled out of a smelly dumpster and is about to throwup raw eggs, and fake it until I get home and crash. I am also notoriously good at putting my own wants and needs after literally anyone else’s, so this tends to end up with me coming home and freeing my soul from my body in a furnace (shower) and then crawling into bed like a sad, sad little damp rat who just had their first kiss with a dementor. I will also cancel plans I actually WANT to go to if they interfere with what people want me to do.
Loud sounds that aren’t music. I can handle the noise side of a concert like nobody’s business, but fireworks on the 4th of July? Instant panic attack, get out of my way, must find headphones and hide in bathroom until loud sounds go away. This wasn’t a super big deal until I decided (foolishly) to go to an escape room party for my friend. It was horror insane asylum themed. There were a lot of loud noises, specifically gunshots, that were honestly traumatizing for me. I’ve been catapulted into panic attacks over popping balloons etc ever since. (To be clear, I have zero hard feelings toward my friend for that event. I did it because I wanted to be there for her and do something together that we hadn’t done before. Just because it ended really badly for me doesn’t mean I’m upset at anyone. I’m just a little more sensitive to violence than others sometimes, so I am kinda predisposed to easy trauma over stuff like this.)
EO Mode
Violent movies. I am not too bad with fights etc on a regular day, but when I’m upset?? Ohh there’s a good chance I will cry, have a panic attack, and leave. Bloody scenes, emotionally violent fights, and ANYTHING involving animals is enough to make me hide in the bathroom and act like Tyler Joseph in the Car Radio music video. My thoughts get really big and really loud anyways. But when I’m sensitive to violence and in EO mode on top of everything, it’s a recipe for disaster. I am also easily bothered by creepy things, and I will see things that aren’t there for months on end after an incident. That is why I do not watch horror movies. I am even worse off if the violence includes hanging, self harm, or helpless struggle. Those things in specific are immediate turnoffs for me.
Environment changing. Have you ever been in a church service when people sit for announcements, stand for worship, sit for the sermon, then stand for worship again, etc? Yes yes… my mortal enemy. When I am in EO mode, this is possibly the worst setting for me to be in. People constantly changing their physical position/whereabouts is very unsettling. I think this is mostly a BPD thing but it might be a little ADHD too. When you naturally monitor everyone and everything around you, but everyone and everything is moving, it’s a personal nightmare. Makes it very hard to avoid panic attacks. I avoid this desperately.
Plans changing repeatedly, close to the event. There is almost nothing I hate more than abrupt changes, and yet people seem to love making them right before the set date. Like, recently in my life there have been over 18 sudden changes to plan, 12 of which have been in regards to ONE FREAKING EVENT. I do NOT cope well with this sort of thing and it’s been hitting me from every single side these last couple weeks. If it’s something I don’t care that much about and can get out of easily, I step back and plan something else to do, either alone or with my friends etc. But if I absolutely have to go, I will stay as updated as I can without making any comments if possible. I emotionally detach myself, my expectations, and my hope from the event and immediate people surrounding it. I try my best not to expect the worst, but I do not put any emotional value into it either. Several big life events like this have been meaningless and forgettable to me because I HAVE TO HAVE some sort of expectations if I want to enjoy myself. “Going with the flow” takes an enormous amount of energy for me, and I can’t do that and enjoy myself at the same time usually. So I basically go into survival mode. This can make me very un-fun to be around, because my authentic self is not present and often my attention isn’t either. I am there to please others. There is no room for me, myself. And it is what it is. I will deal with my emotions when I get home or internalize them to the point of destroying my self-worth. I will forget about the event quickly after it’s over and thus ends the misery of suffocation.
I guess the best way to explain the way I feel about this is consideration. I feel that it is deeply inconsiderate to change plans short-notice just because you can, want to make drama, or are slightly unsatisfied. Those things should have been decided when the plans were first getting made. If you wait until the last moment to change something, I find it very unsettling. If you need to cancel, that’s fine. But waiting until the last minute just because you can is a really good way to get you excused from my group of favorite people. Unfortunately this has happened quite a lot for me lately. And I get it, things happen. But please try to be considerate of other people. That’s all. If I do not have a clear list of expectations, I am vulnerable to shutting down completely. Often this is internal, but it has happened physically as well.
Eating non-comfort foods when I’m upset. My first instinct when I’m upset is to not eat. And if I am honest, that’s really hard to get away from even when I’m hungry. So if I’m going to force myself to eat, it’s much easier to eat mac n cheese or chicken nuggets or potato soup. Eating something I am unfamiliar with/don’t like/am not in the mood for is extremely energy-consuming and difficult. I have actually broken down into tears over eating seasoned chicken instead of chicken nuggets with my family after a bad day. It’s not a good look, or good feels.
People asking me personal questions. I. hate. this. one. A big characteristic of BPD is loss of identity. I don’t always feel like I’m familiar with myself at all. It’s like I haven’t met me, yet I’ve been living in me for 18 years. It’s a very detached, cold feeling. This is made even worse when people say things like, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “What are your future plans for college?” “So, tell me about yourself.” “What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored?” “Oh, I was thinking about trying that! Did you like it?” Etc. It’s pretty painful.
Excess people. I have social anxiety, but I can usually navigate it okay if I know exactly where I am and where I need to go. But in EO mode, it’s like the world is out to get me. I remember one time when I was walking out of an event and someone called my name loudly. This person meant nothing by it, but they got their friends to also shout my name and say goodbye. It was so overwhelming that the room started to move and warp in my vision, they seemed to get taller and loom over me, and I stumbled into something I would have ordinarily been able to walk around. I almost went down entirely, and I left the building in one of the worst panic attacks I’d ever experienced. That was the first time Drummer Boy saw me in full protocol shut-down. I wasn’t breathing, was shaking so hard I felt like I was having a seizure, my sight was blurring, I overheated like a wasp in a bee nest, and was so stiff that I could barely move at all. My nose was running and everything. People bad. Alone good.
Thanks for reading! I know this is off my recent topics, but this has been a big part of my life as prom, graduation, senior photos, and people asking about college are all coming up from under the bed. I’ve been in EO mode for at least a week now, which means I am empty in my free time. Depression runs deep when I have no control over what’s happening in my life, and this is one of those times. I am very good at putting on a face for the world, but inside I am struggling pretty bad. So I thought it might be good to kinda get some of these things off my chest and into the world in case anybody else is feeling it too. Have a good day!
P.S. The featured photo was taken at a place called Ruby’s Tearoom. It used to be my favorite place in the world. Unfortunately it no longer exists, but it was one of the few places I felt secure.
♡, Shortie
