Hey guys. Today I want to talk about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and what I’ve learned, both after my diagnosis and signs from looking back. When I was first introduced to the term BPD, I thought it meant BiPolar Depression. Which made sense, because I’d been through trying to get a bipolar diagnosis before. I had mood swings and extreme emotions that I could mask, but not control or understand. I’d been told that I resembled a good friend who had bipolar type 2. I related a lot to what he told me about his experiences with it. But the psychiatrist disagreed. He said that my manic episodes weren’t extreme enough and my moods teetered too frequently. He suggested that it was just hormones and depression mixing. Well, he was partly right. I was extremely depressed and my body chemicals have never been quite balanced. But that wasn’t all that was going on. Looking back on it, I can understand a lot more. So here’s a brief rundown of my general experience + a day in the life and two mini photo boards of the vibe of life to this tune. 🙂
Borderline Personality Disorder
There’s one big way I can really sum up how BPD has shown up in my life. Clingy. I am so, so clingy. And I hate it, but I can’t seem to make it stop. It causes me to hold onto everything too tightly, sometimes suffocatingly. Most might read it as self sabotaging which, is also an unfortunate problem. I hold on so tight that when the person or thing has finally had enough, it breaks me. But on the other side of the spectrum, it also makes me afraid to hold onto anything at all. Because for so long, people have come in and then gone out of my life. My moods are unpredictable, and that alone is typically a turnoff. But I’m also hyper sensitive. To everything. For some people, that’s incredibly stressful.
But here’s the thing. These two parts of my BPD go together. They are opposites, but still inside one being. It’s not one or the other. They go together. And THAT, I am realizing, is my curse.
I will love you to the ends of the earth if you let me. But I will also assume that you do not feel the same. I will let you stay in my life, no matter what you do to me, because I believe you when you apologize. But I won’t tell you my wants and needs in case I hurt your feelings. I will lay all my plans down to accommodate what you need. But I won’t ask to hang out, because I don’t want you to feel obligated to anything. I will give you the jacket off my back in a snowstorm but I won’t ask for a glass of water.
The general summary of BPD is “black and white thinking”. But what people don’t understand is that it’s not about this or that. In my mind, it’s me or you. And because of my nature, I will choose you. Even if we are strangers. Even if we fell out ten years ago. It’s who I am. And I hate it because it means that I don’t stick up for myself. It’s incredibly hard for me to think me AND you. It’s always about keeping the other person content and feeling their best. Even if I’m at my worst.
But after a long time of me choosing you and you choosing yourself, I get exhausted. And I get confused. Because I can’t understand why people don’t always choose someone else over themselves. I don’t want attention or gifts or a trophy for my troubles. I just want them to care about me a fraction of how much I care about them. But that doesn’t hardly ever happen. And I just can’t wrap my head around it. This has led to some very, very ugly fallouts in my life. Because I give, and I give, and I give until I’m dead inside. And when I finally start to ask myself what I’m doing, they’ve conveniently moved on. It makes life excruciating for me. But it’s who I am. And I can tell you right now that even if we aren’t on speaking terms, and even if I cross the street to avoid them, I will always wish them the best. Even those relationships that were completely one sided, I will still have a place waiting for them if they need me. (This is why I was not a candidate for building the ark…) Because in my heart, I know that everyone is doing their best with what they know to do. And I can’t judge them for that. No matter how it effects me.
In the end, the hardest part is boundaries. I expect so much of myself on their behalf, but virtually nothing of them. So if I did come to expect something, and it didn’t work out, I get really hard on myself. I feel like the problem. And it’s really painful. Even when I know I didn’t do anything wrong, or even if I think they were in the wrong, I pin it on myself. It always comes down to the sensitivity of my heart, and how strongly I take things. I get excited easily and sad/disappointed even easier. And it’s on me to pay attention to the truth of the situation, not how I feel about it. Otherwise I’m just hurting myself. But it’s a difficult thing to unlearn when you’ve been doing it your whole life. Especially when others set boundaries instinctually, while you’re stuck fighting your own mind about what to do.
A day in the life
Lastly, I wanted to give you some examples of things that have happened/could happen in day to day life that BPD twists up.
Am I jealous of her, or am I just missing you?
Am I hurt that you didn’t invite me, or jealous that you can have careless fun without me?
Did I want to go, or was I too afraid of missing out?
Did I put myself in that situation because you wanted me to, or because I thought it was right?
Do I feel guilty because I did something actually wrong, or because you didn’t agree?
Do I feel okay, or am I just saying that to avoid being a burden?
If I tell them how I feel, will they see it as honesty or rudeness?
If I feel bad, am I self sabotaging or is something actually wrong?
Those are just a few of the things I’ve asked myself… like… today. And then there’s the more general problems that come along. Like,
It’s hard to understand my feelings, but easy to understand others’. I can’t always tell why I’m upset because sometimes, I just am.
It’s really hard to take care of myself. I haven’t eaten anything today until dinner, and I did the same thing + a small fry from Chick-Fil-A yesterday. I feel tired even with a full night of perfect sleep, so my sleep schedule gets wrecked because it’s not worth caring about. I am constantly masking what I feel because I can’t tell if it’s the right moment or the right thing to feel, so I don’t let anyone see it at all. Self care is almost impossible.
I get jealous when I shouldn’t. And it really sucks because most of the time, I can’t even tell what I feel jealous about. I can usually pinpoint the situation, but I couldn’t say what or who I am actually jealous of. It makes me feel like a terrible person.
I am very forgetful. I’m always caught in battle in my head, trying to keep tabs on 1) what I’m feeling, 2) if my emotions/reactions are appropriate to the situation, 3) what song is stuck in my head, 4) if I’m saying anything that could be sensitive to people, 5) where I’m going and what I’m doing, 6) how my body is feeling, 7) what’s going on in other people’s worlds, 8) what is coming next in my day, 9) thinking about that show I started yesterday, 10) and private struggles that I face every day. And that’s just the first few things that came to mind. I am always multitasking with my thoughts, and that makes it very easy to mess up or lose track of things. It also makes me chronically exhausted.
I forget that others aren’t like me. I consider things as if they feel to the same level and intensity that I do, which is often not true. I also overestimate my value in people’s lives. I forget that even though I want them to be a part of everything that goes on in my little head, they don’t feel the same. They have other friends, other plans, and other memories to make with other people. And that’s okay, I just forget that a lot. Because I am not that way.
If you or someone you know struggles with this, I want to pray for you. Because this disorder is so heavy to live with and if you don’t have supports, it will crush you. I would know. So please know that you are not alone and you are a thousand times enough. So stay alive out there. l-/
♡, Shortie
