Heya! After over a year of being too busy to write, I returned to my blog only to find the most cringe, gag-worthy content imaginable. So this is my formal apology for the existence of… all of it. There’s a couple posts sprinkled in here and there that I’ll let live, but the eradication of the rest really is for the good of everyone. Trust me.
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to follow along on this nauseating retelling of the kiddie ball-pit that was my teenage brain, here’s where we stand now:
*trigger warning, self harm & suicide*
I broke up with Drummer Boy 19 days before I turned 19. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but it was becoming glaringly obvious that we wanted different things and ultimately wouldn’t work. I still have mad respect for him and his family, and there are no hard feelings on my end. Shortly after, I became very suicidal and suffered intense daily panic attacks for months and shut out everyone and everything. I felt so guilty for hurting him that I thought the only way to make it right would have been to kill myself. I had unintentionally made him such an idol in my life that I lost all sense of everything when he wasn’t around. And when he was, the pain practically choked me to death. I didn’t think I would be able to live with the knowledge that I had hurt the person I loved most in the world. So I stopped everything. Eating, sleeping, leaving the house, leaving my room, leaving my bed… I did (barely) manage to keep myself out of a psychiatric hospital, but my life changed a lot. I used several self-harm habits to manage my emotions, which, obviously, didn’t help me in the long run. Only a few friends stuck by me, and I’m so incredibly thankful for them. My circle has shrunk even more since then, and really my only friend who refused to let me ditch her was Chair. There are plenty of folks who stayed in my life at a distance after everything went down, but she’s one of the few that didn’t let me push her away no matter how hard I tried. I could go on and on about her for decades but I’ll spare you the rambling.
Anyways, I was trapped in constant overwhelm, stuck with never-ending intrusive thoughts, and made plans. I did not go through with any of those plans, and instead met Jesus once again on my bedroom floor. I won’t go into the details, and I won’t carry on talking about my personal Dark Ages. Point is, it did eventually get better. I clung desperately onto God, my family, my friends and my pets. It took a long time for me to start leaving the house again and commit to living life as if I had a reason to. It took about a year before I could breathe again. It’s been about two and a half years since the beginning of the spiral, and I can confidently say I am back on my feet. I still struggle with mental health a lot, but I’m learning how to forgive myself for the things I’ve done. New battles to fight pop up all the time, but with God on my side, no weapon formed against me will prosper. I’m living for Jesus now, praying for strangers, going to concerts, creating art, writing a novel, and doing my best to spend every day as if it were my last. I don’t really write poetry anymore (which is probably a huge relief to the world at large) and my humor is more broken than ever. But hey –
I am cringe and I am free.
I went to my first music festival last year and got to see Josiah Queen, one of my favorite musicians in the world. I have been to 17 shows since my original concert post on here, the artists being (not including openers I didn’t like):
IDKHOW/The Brobecks, Superet as their opener
Half alive
Relient K
Arrows in Action
Twenty One Pilots, Peter McPoland as their opener
Half Alive (again)
Wild Party
Maverick City Music
Wild Party (again) (best. show. ever.), Cousin Simple as their opener
Rend Collective
Josiah Queen and Casting Crowns (UnityFest)
Tommy Emmanuel, Wyatt Flores and Vince Gill at the Grande Ole Opry, in person for the live radio show
Twenty One Pilots (again), Balu Brigada as their opener (THANK YOU SARAH!!)
Twenty One Pilots (again again), same tour same opener (BEST. TØP. SHOW. EVER.)
Mercy Me, Cochran & Co. and Crowder as their openers
for KING & COUNTRY
Chris Tomlin, Tauren Wells as opener
It has been a wild ride. And I’ve loved it. (May do a concert post later of the details, right now I just want to catch up everyone who knew me in my even cringier blog era)
Hmmm.. what else have I done? I’ve gotten 8 more tattoos, totaling 16. I put my art in the fair, won nothing. Did a front split in roller skates, broke nothing. Went to Renfaire with friends, learned new things about said friends. Dyed my hair, stopped dying my hair. Saw the aurora borealis twice from my own front yard, cried a lot. Took a trip with a friend, lost that friend. Took a trip with my best friend, got to keep my best friend. Went to my first football game, actually enjoyed it. Spent time with loved ones, said goodbye to loved ones. Fell in love with my coworker, who is a dog. Became a leader for our church’s youth program, haven’t died yet. Went to a splatter room, fully doused my friends with paint. Hosted my first summer party, accidentally started a war by throwing the first water balloon right at my buddy’s face. Discovered a black mushroom, did not touch the black mushroom. Took a class at CycleBar, found out cycle classes are NOT for me. Visited super old churches, loved every second. Went to the Creation Museum, left overwhelmed with information and creeped out by the animatronics. Went to the Ark, was enthralled by the inner-workings of the animal care system theories. Gave a speech at my big little brother’s highschool graduation, forgot his present. Punched through a canvas for an art project, hurt my hand. Went to my first NerdCon, met one of my favorite authors.!! Witnessed lots of beautiful sunsets, got chosen by a cat. Did themed photoshoots, had a ton of fun. Stayed up for a lot of meteor showers, spend a lot of time in prayer. Raised an abandoned baby field mouse, released said mouse after she’d grown up and escaped in our kitchen for 5 days. Met some of my favorite bands, am now even more of a diehard fan. Took a whole out-of-state trip for a concert, still thinking about it!! Drank my first mocktail with activated charcoal and edible glitter, cost me like $13 but would 1000% do it again. Went to the FPE event, almost passed out from nerves and excitement at the FPE event. Attended a concert, participated in a surprise live-album recording!!! Read books, fell in love with more characters. Quit Redbull, picked up Celcius. Made a few new friends, lost a few old ones. Got a projector for Christmas, painted my wall to be a giant screen. Still have a job, still loving my job. Started making/selling bracelets, an investment which is a loss so far. Got sick, got better. Made clique art, got chosen to create the profile pic and banner for the official ABTC instagram/twitter account!! Got a Polaroid camera, spent an unreasonable amount of money on film. Put on my old prom dress for fun, still fit. Learned my favorite childhood game went mobile, now I log in every day. Listened to new audiobooks, re-listened to old favorite audiobooks. Listened to new music, listened to old favorite music. Fasted from all non-Christian music for… a couple months I think?, changed a looot of my newly-noticed bad habits. Spent lots of time with dad, spoke solely in movie quotes with dad. Spent lots of time with mom, fell out of chair laughing with mom. Said goodbye to big little brother when he joined the US Navy, visited him to watch his official bootcamp graduation. Applied to Regent university, got accepted at regent University. Wore lots of dumb outfits, regretted nothing. Said a lot of dumb things, regretted everything. Wanted to die, decided to live. Laughed a lot, cried a lot.
Blah blah blah, you get the point.
So yeah this is pretty much just an announcement of my continued existence and a notice for the massive blog-post-purge coming. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.
If you’d like to get to know me better, I’ve created a Spotify playlist to give a brief mashup of who I am. ♡
You can also find me on:
Instagram – TØP fanart acc!!
Instagram – Personal acc!! ♡
Redbubble – God-Is-Good2us 🙂
Etsy – Whistlepig Studios !!
Also, I will no longer be signing off as Shortie bc literally nobody calls me that anymore. My nickname is now Skippy (yes, like the peanut butter) so, do with that what you will.
♡~ Skippy
